Talk Kurdy To Me

Congratulations!

Don't Read The Fine Print :)

If you’re reading this, then you’ve accepted the offered position of Technology Development Engineer for Huge Global Energy Services Company.  This document will detail what you can expect here. Welcome aboard!

During the interview process we told you that you’d have a nice office, cool people to work with, a lab with all manner of spare parts and fully stocked tool kit.  You’d work reasonable hours in a nice little town. Cute girl or two down the hall. Not engineer cute but actual cute. Also decent coffee. Well, don’t get attached.  You said you liked travel and field experience too so we’re sending you to Kurdistan.  Here’s a general-purpose heads up for the next few weeks of your life.

You’ll arise at 0530.  You do this because we threaten to pick you up at 0630, and once weekly the bus will be on time.  We will schedule this aberration in such a way as to cause you maximum inconvenience, ie, the one time you hit snooze and audibly whisper “I’ll be fine.”  On the way to work, in this junked out minivan, you will listen to the driver’s choice of music.  This might be “Babylon Radio, where we play the hits!” which will treat you to seeing the reactions of your salty oilfield expat badass coworkers to “First things first, amareallis.” Or it might be snake-charming music with a drum kit and vocals that sound like Celine Dion ate a clarinet.  Coin flip.

This Is Not Your Ride

After your 30 minute commute full of personal reflection time (Two Dots, Looney Tunes Dash, Flow free version) you will arrive at Parpitan Base.  It’s a god-forsaken shit-heap (GFSH). The van will be searched by a man with an AK-47 and an I-can-see-up-your-skirt mirror on a stick.  For bombs.  You will sign in, your bag will be searched and you will be frisked.  You will think it’d be funny to vent trapped intestinal gasses mid-frisk, just a real high-pitched squealer you could tune a trumpet to, but innate courtesy and sheer terror will silence your otherwise ebullient sphincter.   You will see women walk past without being frisked.  Muslim culture prohibits men from searching them.  But that’s ok: women are obviously incapable of smuggling weapons or being dangerous because Middle East Logic.

After turning the generators on to give the GFSH delicious electricity, you will need to promptly check emails and such things.  The power works with the same drive and dedication as the current American Legislature, which is to say it works poorly.  Expect 3-5 outages per day at the GFSH and one more at the staff house later. The situation normal regarding internet is similar, but less optimistic.  You will see this pattern repeated by many of your Iraqi co-workers, particularly those in logistics and procurement.  Yes, they are employed in the same company as you.  Yes, we know they are as useful to your operation as mesh condoms.  We keep them there to taunt you.  Next question?

You will then walk back to your mobile lab, also known as your Sampling Container.  Here you will science your face off.  You will spend day after day learning, building and testing equipment which is not specifically in your job description.  Welcome to the field.  We don't have enough people for everyone to only do that thing they said they can do. Specialization, shmecialization.  If it doesn’t work, make it work.  If you don’t have the specific whatsamajigger you need, improvise.  This will occur often, as Parpitan Base has a downright comical lack of basic hand tools, crossovers and fittings, but a curious overabundance of electric tea kettles.  Anyway, there is no expert to call in to solve problems for you.  You are that expert.  You should find this knowledge equal parts intimidating and empowering. Lots of people are trusting you on this.  We believe in you.  Don’t fuck up. 

Home Is Where Your Stuff Is

Absorbed in your desperate hurry to learn equipment before anyone realizes you’re actually pretty new to it, you’ll converse rarely with the local team.  Perhaps if they were to offer a hand in your work, or even be physically present where work occurs, the situation would differ.  That'd be nice. On the rare occasions that conversation with the locals occurs, you’ll be shocked at how eager they are to kiss your butt until it sparkles, to badmouth each other behind said “other’s” back, and to generally behave like children.  Additionally, Kurdish is an abrasive, gravelly language.  Kurdish Pillow Talk will never be a thing.  No sexy blonde woman will ever request you to “Talk Kurdy to me.”  Accordingly, don’t bother learning any.  In some countries you’re thrilled and intrigued by the local friendliness, work ethic and language.  This is not one such locale.

That said, you can't help but learn that “Inshallah bokram malesh” is the answer to any question regarding work to be done.  Although Arabic, not Kurdish, it is as ubiquitous in Erbil as cold sores in the Eastern European club scene. Literally translated this means “God willing, maybe tomorrow.”  In practice it means “Maybe it’ll get done, but I won’t work harder to accomplish this, and you may go eat sand.” This phrase will occur every single time work, planning or logistics are discussed.  It’s frankly a miracle anything gets accomplished in this neck of the woods.  And by “miracle,” of course, we mean “the result of an influx of ex-pat personnel familiar with capitalism and western management styles.” 

Bro, Do You Even Science?

So onward you’ll go, preparing your equipment and learning about this business which intrigues you so.  And oh, how you’ll learn.  It’s a good thing you love learning.  That class you just studied for hours and hours – Drilling Engineering, en route to your Master’s – is comically inadequate.  You know what cementing and liners and casing are, for instance.  Good for you.  But do you know what to do when a 5” liner packer has a questionable seal due to a non-retracted reamer arm during POOH, and total fluid losses occur during RIH of said liner, but POOH to correct this would require a week of NPT laying down singles so your client decides to cement via stinger anyway, and then you have 700psi and climbing standpipe pressure AFTER the slurry hardens?  How would you even BEGIN to perf-and-squeeze above the theoretically producing zone, pending the CAS-CBL doesn’t tell you that your bottom cement isn’t worth a hoot to begin with? Plus how do you cope with or prevent hard hat hair?  And so on.

The food in Kurdistan will be delicious.  Your once-weekly trip to the mall for groceries will enthuse you, as it offers an opportunity to spend your entire per diem at the food court in a strictly point-and-wave-money fashion.  No one there speaks English.  The grocery store is the epitome of domestic grocery storedom, disappointingly, but the food court offers the kind of strange foreign deliciousness that made Christopher Columbus do his thing in 1492. You will eat too much, caught up in the wonder of it all, and take pictures of your food like a white girl. 

Biological Terrorism

Delicious Lunch Treat

Do not attempt to repeat this mass-eating in truly local establishments.  This could happen, say, during your trip to Ankawa after visiting a machine shop.  Truly local food will leave you with a gastro-intestinal festival rivalling the chemical weapons which Saddam Hussein scorched the region with decades ago.  It will render you akin to a Celiac’s Disease sufferer who judged a county bake-off and accepted payment in Busch Light from a garden hose.  You will frantically google whether it’s medically possible to excrete one’s brains through the digestive tract.  It’s not.  But miracles happen every day.

That means you'll poop a lot.

        Don't let the above negative details, comically presented for our enjoyment, deter you from this.  This will be the kind of trip you'll tell your grandchildren about.  You will meet and work with a truly global workforce.  You'll return to your colleagues in a position of potentially being able to teach something.  Your ability to defy HR-established behavior will soar, and you'll be reminded of the global connectivity of all mankind.  Good vibes, right? But seriously, go easy on local chow.  Could be a game-changer.

        You are now prepared for your trip to Kurdish Iraq.  You’ll figure out the rest; such as non-google-able cultural minutiae, the coolness of oilfield commuters, the appeal of the gypsy lifestyle, and how to wear coveralls all day without chafing.  Bring more work clothes than you think you need, the laundry service takes a week. Hang with your Russian and Nigerian teammates often.

Good luck, no bomb jokes, and make us proud!

Nope.  Not Even A Little One

Sincerely,

Human Resources, Huge Global Energy Services Company