Friends,
This message is a departure from your regularly scheduled programming. By popular demand, and by my own desire to grandstand and shamelessly self-promote from the safety of my own keyboard, I am going to share "the poem."
Blondes vs Brunettes Dallas owned me this summer. I enjoyed the slavery - amazing group of people, plus philanthropy for an important cause, plus coaching. What's not to like?
Accessory to this commitment, an opportunity arose to take part in a date auction. I earmarked a ticket to Book of Mormon for this purpose, and then had to come up with a talent. This proved difficult, as it turns out no one cares how long my neck was in high school (really long) or how well I think I can speak Spanish while I'm drunk (perfectamente). I settled on what's to follow herein: a poem illustrating my prowess as a purchasable date, the night to come, and make up a few words.
Note to the feint of ear: This is offensive. Even to me. I couldn't keep a straight face reading it. Mom, go look at this instead: OMG CATS!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BeDGuqe6O0
Transcript is below, minus one line that I made up on the fly. Had to throw a priest joke in there...silly Catholics.
Hugs and Handpounds everybody. Remember that every time you share my blog an angel gets its wings.
Haake'ums
Date Night
Attention lovely audience, and I don't mean the males
If you're new to "date auctions," most of whats to come is just sales
I was nervous at first, id been tasked to compete,
With all these philanthropic young genius playboy elites
But my fundraising goal's high, I want to go get it
So I'll rely on appreciation for me offensively waxing poetic
The pen is mightier, there are few greater skills,
poets screw more women than republican-backed healthcare bills
My aim isnt political, please stow all the groans
Im here to impress offend and seduce, so pretend you're watching game of thrones
Superior oral prowess makes women swoon without hesitation
On date night this will be in full swing, as per the following demonstration,
With such eyes as yours a longing gaze is due
Until you look away briefly, then it's down at boobs, then back to you
Your beauty's unreal, I hope my pants don't betray
You have me upright and locked like an airline seat and table tray
You unravelled my heart, my emotions unfurled
"You're the only one who could do this, insert-name-of-girl.
I can now see in your eyes, that internal urge rising,
If I told you I googled triple orgasm would you find that enticing?
And knowing my search history,
I hope your urge is proliferating
This is a night you'll always remember while fondly reminisce-turbating
I'm committed to this date, I'm in, all four thirds!
Don't question my math, fractions speak louder than words
Never encountered engineers? Have faith, im no nOOb,
Wikipedia prepared me to handle nature's little Rubik's cube
But that website's Metallurgy section doesn't accurately depict me
in the presence of warmth and moisture rust never, ever comes quickly
Now the Demo's finished, I believe it'd be shrewd
To discuss what will happen if I'm bid on by you
I love watching musicals, though I seem so very callous
Bid highest for me, and we'll see the sold-out Book of Mormon in Dallas
If you're unfamiliar, no recognition in mind,
Look up what a Tony Award is, this musical won 9.
And though I may seem cocky I tell you the truth is
If this goes for less than $100 ill be bluer than smurf jiz
Without further ado,
I will no longer offend,
Applaud or faint or whatever, but please throw money. The end.
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